Off the Wagon

No, I haven’t started drinking. I simply haven’t been doing most of the therapies that I discovered when I was regularly writing this blog. I can make lots of excuses: moving to a new apartment, having to look for a new job, trying to adjust to the new job.

So why? Why will I not do some of the things that I have found that helped me in the not-so-distant past? Is it discouragement? Is it stress and worry? I cannot blame it on God, or family members.

Here are a few of the things that I have basically brought to a halt: 1) brain training (except crossword puzzles), 2) deep breathing exercises, 3) grounding, 4) and tracking any of these. Several of my blogs referred to these activities and some of the research around their effectiveness.

Now, I go to work, I eat, I sleep – usually starting to fall asleep around the TV in the 7 o’clock hour – driving my wife bananas. If I stand, or if I go for a walk, I can stay up later. But many times, I’m not in the mood. I have to get up and do something if I’m going to stay awake. About 9 each evening, I’ve been starting to prepare a concoction I found on the internet called “moon milk” – supposedly good to take with ashwagandha before bed – and I’ve even changed that up a little bit more recently.

Whether I’m traveling or not, I eat healthy and take my supplements. I’ll walk early in the mornings twice a week, and usually add some weight training. I use my CPAP. But I’ve been getting too tied up in cable TV – eating in the room so I can ingest shows that I don’t normally get to see. I think a “media fast” may be in order. It’s not just what I consume physically, but emotionally, visually and spiritually that needs to be healthy.

Work has been a major adjustment. Lots of various responsibilities and tasks come to me from several leaders within the organization – some that I’m comfortable with – others I’m not. It’s funny, I have to give a short presentation to the executive team next week, and that does not cause my blood pressure to rise. Other things do – and some of those things are outside of my control. I can influence them to a degree, but it’s been tough to get traction lately. And I cannot explain why. That stresses me too.

Social media and streaming services like N**flix have crept in and created somewhat of a stronghold. At first I thought it would be a good stress reliever, but I’m starting to rely on them too much. And to what end? They profit me nothing. I’m so drawn in that I paused from composing this very blog for an episode.

But today is different. My wife and I had Saturday this weekend free with very few commitments, so I took it upon myself to make some plans. I got some vacuuming done, and then we went out to lunch and to a matinee. We were happy not to be out in the heat until the evening – when we went to lie by the pool. She seemed to appreciate it, and I did too.

Then later – she and I talked. She was very encouraging – no shame or blame. We went over some ideas to help me get back on the wagon. Tracking my activity, my sleep, adding a new therapy (one of which I tried today). In the past, I used to keep all my data on a physical whiteboard; now I’ll try a spreadsheet in the cloud. Turning over a new leaf, mid-year, and even though it is embarrassing to admit my slump – I am optimistic.

Postscript: The week after I composed the blog above, I did give a decent presentation at work, and I got up the next morning and went out of town for work for 2 nights. I’m catching up on my tracking this morning, and realize I still have a lot of work to do. I’ll have to shift into another gear to get back on the “therapeutic wagon.” I need to focus on remembering that my life seemed to be more stable when I kept up with my therapeutic goals. I hope this is encouraging to any of you – on the spectrum or not – who may be dealing with the ups and downs of mental health, or just life circumstances. Don’t give up. My faith brings me back to the truth – God loves me, hurts when I hurt, and rejoices to see me walking in the truth.